And I miss it...I am now unable to focus on anything moving, where before if it moved, I not only saw it, I named it my glittery squirrel! This kept me up with my cat like reflexes; And also entertained me. One thing Graham taught me how to be a professional at was, laugh at yourself or my fear and anxiety of being perfect will destroy me. So I did, and I miss it. Everytime I would run into a wall or lose a shoe I was wearing, I laughed hard, I mean the belly laugh hard. Losing my keys would piss me off though. With my ADHD came OCD...and dang, I REALLY MISS THAT! My house is a total disaster, and I see that it's a disaster, and I know the pre Janet me would be cleaning and would fix this problem. However, with the OCD gone, I could give 10 craps and the junk just keeps piling up! My poor neighbor came over and cleaned my kitchen, I think the embarrassment of that has kicked me up a notch. So that leads me to a Science Problem: Is ADD/ADHD a product of the temporal lobe? Or is the seizure medication I'm on completely numbing it all? I am currently investigating (when it doesn't hurt to read) and also tapering off of my medication; so I'll let you know what my "experiment" tells me. I may not shake my leg constantly or constantly roam around the house trying to find something to do so I can procrastinate, but I still can't sit and focus on the TV and I am still not doing all the paperwork I need to be doing for Graham. One of my coping mechanisms for my ADHD has always been really cool pens/sharpies and bright colorful sticky notes - THOSE AREN'T EVEN WORKING!!! Sadie did chew up a green one though, at least it was in the dining room where my walls are green.
I realize I just had brain surgery and part of my brain was removed; however, that was 5 and 1/2 weeks ago. I am still tired and in pain, and now, I feel worthless and I hate that. I have always been a strong and independent person who could do anything that I put my mind to. Now, I can't even take care of my child. I hate the fact that it takes all my might to help her with school work, packing a lunch, signing her folder, and worse...I cannot take her to and from school or soccer. I hate that I feel like a 12 year old and if I were to drive (which I haven't) I would have to sneak out of my own house and be afraid to run into anyone I know that could tattle on me to my parents. But when I do finally cave and ask someone to take me somewhere...it can be a good thing....
Because my tumor has been diagnosed "environmental" (meaning, the outside world of pollution, hair care, skin care, and food have caused it) I am changing a lot of my routines, SO HELLO RETAIL THERAPY! As a dear friend said #makeupnotmasses - I will definitely take advantage of this. So I've added a new box to my soap box collection. I still plan on lobbying for Medicinal Marijuana (because why would anyone sick that already has too many chemicals in their body; have to add more chemicals when an herbal, natural plant, can do the same thing!). But now, my new soap box will be for chemical free beauty products. And here is why it makes sense to me: Graham was on a Fentanyl Patch, which is an EXTREMELY potent chemically made opioid, all in a little sticker (just like a nicotine patch, or those new vitamin patches) that you put on your skin. Your skin absorbs these chemicals and they then go into your bloodstream. ALL THROUGH A STICKER! So why wouldn't the face and hair products (along with lotions) do the same thing? Makes sense, doesn't it. So, I am changing all of my makeup, hair and skin products, and I had a blast with Graham's mom Barbara at Ulta!!! Playing with makeup is so much fun! And even though I rarely put it on anymore (the dogs and cat really don't care how I look) I did get to put it on Jordy for 80s day today; and I felt good knowing that I was not harming her in anyway. After Ulta, we went to Marshalls of all places. They RANDOMLY have a FABULOUS selection of chemical, GMO, and Paraben free products. So I came home happy and had soup with my girl.
One day, I hope the OCD comes back. I miss being super organized and together. But I guess, baby steps to the corner. UGH
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