Frustration and Depression- Stupid Pity Party

I now understand everything Graham was going through mentally last year.  He would go through times of being irritable, thinking he's worthless, then break down in tears and be frustrated.  I now understand, because I'm going through the same thing.  And nothing helps except sleep, to escape and hopefully wake up in a better state of mind.  

For me, I am blaming a combination of meds - Kepra (the anti seizure med I am now tapering off of) and the high dose of steroids they have me on for headaches.  All Jordan wanted to do today was watch a movie (easy...I can do that) and play with some of her new Christmas presents.  Of course these need parental guidance!  And that's where the mental fight comes in.  I'm tired and just want to sit on my ass and either play a game on my phone or take a nap; and all Jordy wants to do is be a kid. It's not fair to her for me to be so irritable...what she is asking is NOTHING, and I'm making a stupid big deal out of it.  This frustrates the tar out of me...she deserves a good life with an active Mommy.

I am anxiously looking forward to this "end in sight" that I have kind of created.  First of March; apparently I get to drive, I will try and go back to work, and my life will be normal (hahahaha- yeah right).  But as they say, "If you think you can do it, you can."

I am ready for my daughter to be happy again, I am ready to lead a "normal" Erin and Jordan life together, I am ready to not have to rely on someone for almost EVERYTHING!  Thankfully, I don't have to have reassurance that I am on the toilet...woohoo, there is one freedom...potty by myself; well, except for a dog; why do they always have to join?  Jordan actually had to help me into my PJs the other night because Damn Jan couldn't figure out what to do!  And now...I'M GROWING A STUPID BEARD!  Why does THAT have to be a side effect of ANY MEDICATION!  As if my life weren't out there and embarrassing enough, lets add a man beard to the lady.  AND because of depression eating post funeral and steroids that make me eat constantly, I now weigh what I weighed when I was 6-7 months pregnant with Jordy.  Maybe I'll become a Carny...Big Bearded Lady in the turquoise tent.

Yes, this is a pity party! However, I am highly embarrassed that I am having it.  Hopefully I will find my big girl panties and but them on and deal with it.  I have been blessed with good news.  I'm alive and besides having to change some of my everyday eating, beauty and cleaning habits; I do not have to fight for my life as of now.  And hopefully, with all these changes, Janet will NEVER come back and I will NEVER have to fight for my life.  

Here's to focusing on the positive!