Why Me?

With Graham beginning to miss some key events in Jordy's life (field day, talent show, awards day, soccer tournaments), depression is sinking in more.  As Jordan would say, "Joy is no longer in control, Sadness has touched everything."  The Disney Pixar Movie Inside Out really helped our child in ways we still don't know the extent of, but even a year and 1/2 later, she still references it when we speak about Daddy's condition.  After the last week of school and all the things Graham had missed, he spent all day Saturday shutting down and crying.  He has rarely ever questioned "Why Me?" but this came up frequently this day.  If God only gives you what you can handle - when is enough, enough?  If you are here on Earth for a purpose, what is Graham's?  And is it not done yet?  Why is he continuing to suffer?  He has "let go" per say, but he is still waking up every morning, feeling a bit worse each day.  Selfishly, I LOVE that he is still here with me.  But out of my love for him, I hate that he is feeling like this and I do not see the purpose in making one of God's beautiful creatures suffer.  Ironically, we both still have Faith, and we know there is some reason, it just sucks.

I have a theory and fear...Graham has always done the traditional "Man of the House" roll of taking care of things - mainly money and fixing things; NOT laundry, or cleaning, or cooking (but I do have a great story of the time he tried to cook minute rice).  You see, I was blessed to marry a financial guru, it is very true when they say opposites attract, because I am nowhere near the guru stage...I don't even know if I am at the "decent" stage.  And he knows this.  Over the past few months, we - HA, who am I kidding, HE has been trying to get all the ducks in a row to make sure J and I are safe and secure and able to keep the house.  And he is almost there...we are seriously waiting on one more thing and it should be here by next week.  I believe his mind is holding on to this one last piece of security for his girls.  I fear that once we receive it, his mind will finally have some peace and will let go. 

Graham has since had some good talks with people outside of the family about his "sadness."  One being the Director at the facility.  It's one thing to be talked to and harped on by family...but it's another to hear it from someone that doesn't have to tell you these things.  I can't thank them enough, because it does appear that he is trying to now live for the moment and not dwell on the things he will miss.

***I hate that I have waited so long to update; my days are beginning to run together.  I am trying very hard to keep this in chronological order so that one day Jordy may read this an KNOW how hard of a fight her Daddy put up to stay for her.***