...bull shit that is. But only to one question (because lying is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves). Are you OK? I tell you "yes", or "I'm fine", or "I'm here." I don't dare tell you the truth. Whether it be my Texan coming out in me, or that I'm afraid to admit the truth, or that I don't want you to worry about me. Because this is not about me - it's about Graham and then Jordan. They need your thoughts more than I do.
I'm not OK and no amount of Zoloft will fix it right now. Graham is more than just my bestfriend. We have this bond that is unbreakable. We are the Yin to each other's Yang, the Peanut Butter to the Chocolate (and Jordy is now the Banana - PERFECT snack)! In the beginning of our relationship we irritated a lot of friends. Because we did find the perfect person for each other...we stopped being the life of the party and began to just hang with each other, becoming home bodies that neither of us are. We opted to stay in and just be together (which we still choose many times to this day). It took us a few years, but we made it back out into the world and took it by storm. We have found the perfect balance of social fun, family fun, and couple time. Our goal was to make as many wonderful memories as we could. And I am about to lose him.
I'm also making crap up when I tell you it's better for us because we have had 15 years to plan for this. That we always knew this day would come. I can tell you that this scenario was WAY worse than something coming out of no where. We have had 15 years of death looming over us. Where anyone can get in a wreck and die that day and leave a widow - we had a guarantee that I would become a widow, a single parent, and Jordy would grow up without a Daddy. It is why we would go out and make as many memories as we could. Because we had to.
I am scared. I am scared of being without him. I am scared I won't be strong enough for Jordan. I am scared that I will fail my promise that we will be OK. I am scared I will shut down and not be able to crawl out of the darkness. I pray that I will be able to conquer all of this...but what if? Will my heart ever be healed after this inevitable breaking? At least I know I will have one strong Angel up in Heaven helping me along.
I know this is hard for you Erin. I know that all is not ok with you. You have always been one with a bright, happy smile but I know it is covering up lots of pain right now. This is why I pray - not just for Graham and Jordan but for you as well. I pray for your strength to make it. I also pray that you will have the strength to let go and cry when you need to because you really do need to. You cannot keep it all bottled up inside. That will break you. I will continue to pray.
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