Home and fighting to be the real me

Let's be honest....I have no clue when I came home from the last hospital stay.  I know I went in with excruciating pain to the ER in the wee hours of Jan 24 -   Had some scans that told me Janet had babies and they grew.  Then I came home to start a plan of radiation and chemo pills I think that Sunday.  Oh....and MS Contin.  I feel as if I am taking a pill named after some civil war hero - ha.  This is Morphine in a pill - and oh lordy, I hated it.  Now, I felt NOOOOO PAIN, which is good.  But I love who I am....I am a bubbly, strong, organized, energetic (spoke say spastic or gazelle), independent person, and when something prevents me from doing that, I get pissy.  And then I get mad at those I shouldn't and then I feel guilty...so this past week I have been in guilt mode feeling as if I put everyone out and have become a burden to those I love and care for so much.  And this is where the fight comes in.  I know what I can do But Janet won't let me- I've done these tasks so long and effortlessly by myself for fun....I am still in the process of finishing up all of Graham's matters, I know how to do this, but all I could do is stare at my pile of incorrect bills (stupid insurance) and cry....I didn't even know where to start.  My color post its and pretty sharpie markers didn't even help a little.  Something that should have taken 30 minutes because of super bowl commercials, took all night and a lot of tears.  I hate this me...I'm pathetic.  I'm not being a good example for my daughter...to take life by the horns and go for it...don't cry, solve.

I have moved on to a second opinion at UT SOUTHWESTERN-  AND I'M IN LOVE WITH MY NEW DOC AND FACILITY!!!!  I KNOW I'M IN THE RIGHT PLACE!!!! I even geeked out and wore a UT shirt the first day - ha, DORK!  I did learn that I am having partial blockage/blindness due to swelling - so at least I have some what of excuse for all those damn walls that keep getting in my way.

They met about me at their oncology board last Friday and all doctors agreed, Janet was misdiagnosed and she is actually at least a Grade 3 Glioblastoma....I go in for a biopsy of this new spot on Wednesday and they hope to have all past and current pathology reports done by that evening and a real plan in place to get this shit out of me by the end of the week.  I am once again feeling hopeful....I even made a to do list (yes, with different sharpie colors) to give me something to look forward to!  Now, if they want to suck a HUGe biopsy out to get as much of these Janet babies as possible...GO FOR IT!  Because I am so ready.  Crank up the radiation to burn her up; give me the chemo soldiers to fight her down, and now I'm taking pancreatic Enzymes like my idol aunt sweetie to give my body an even bigger fighting chance!!!!  So TAKE THAT CANCER - you suck and don't stand a chance.  I've got a precious little girl and AWESOME life to live.

In Mansfield, the first monday of the month is dedicated to those we love and support fighting some battle (cancer, or disease).  Today was really hard for Jordy....As we picked out what she wanted to wear she chose a Gray( Brain Cancer) Rock CF (for Daddy) shirt and cried.  "Why do BOTH my parents have to suffer?  Why has God not healed you yet mommy?  Why?  I almost lost my words - I've been waiting for this, but as I have learned enough this year, you cannot prepare yourself for ANYTHING!

#colors for caring  #rock cf

I went back to my summarization of the Book of Job...God can't heal all of Satan's doings over night...but he can help prepare us and give us the right tools so that we can fight....we just have to be patient.  So she wore her shirt with a proud and heavy heart...and 2 black eyes.  She isn't all Graham....she struggles with walls too :)  We hugged and made plans for when I'm better...SCOTLAND!

Again, we are so blessed to have so many amazing people in our life.  Thank you...and  thank you for allowing me to apologize every 5 seconds, because i do feel guilt...I know how hard it is to live a non sick normal life (that i dream of to do again) and then to add in help for my village - thank you.  And thank you for those who skip over my temper tantrums and tell me like it is - I NEED THAT TOO!!!  Favorite words this week:  You are over reacting to 8 year old soccer....haha, yes I was, and thank you...someone had to fill Graham's shoes on that one.  But i agree and will go back to me on that one...she's having fun, that's all that matters!