Last Days

The last 3 days of Graham's life were as phenomenal as they could be.  Most people, when put on a drip of powerful drugs go in to some form of comatose state.  Not Graham, not my Graham, he used these drugs to make the most out of his last days.  Right before they began the Morphine, I held his hands and asked, "Are you ready?" and he hesitantly said yes. You could see the pain in his eyes that he wanted so deeply to stay, but knew he couldn't.  Once the drip started, he finally had some relief - and he never shut up for a solid 72 hours.  We laughed, we cried, we played Rummikub. He visited with family and friends and joked around with the nurses.  He even giggled and called it "awesome" when Uncle Jacob had the koozie finished.

I left him to go home on Wednesday for a long 3-4 hours.  When I leave all I can think about is him, my anxiety goes through the roof and I can't wait to get back to him.  I never know how much more time I have with him, I know it's limited.  When I returned, he told me he missed me...that he's loved the 24/7-ness of our life recently.  I share his sentiments exactly.  Wednesday night we watched a stupid movie and played more Rummikubs, joked around, and laughed - well, he tried too.  He had to switch from Morphine to Fentanyl due to nausea and it seemed to help a lot.  We went to bed around 1 and his last words to me, "Hey, tomorrow, can we play a couple more games of Rummikub and will you bathe me?  I love you, Goodnight."  Of course! 

He never woke back up.  It wasn't pleasant or peaceful, he suffered...all day long on Thursday.  His mom said it best, he's been struggling his whole life to breathe and it just comes naturally to him now.  I never knew how hard it would be to say, OK...I knew his wishes and I wanted them too - no more suffering, but it's so hard to not fight for someone who you love so much.  Slowly turning off things that helped save him - hospital grade C-Pap then his own trilogy, all while upping the meds.  I know he didn't feel any of the pain, and that gives me peace. 

24 hours after he told me good night and that he loved me, he passed away in my arms.  My life is forever changed, and not for the better.  I have barely laughed since and I have this weird quiet voice - I'm no longer loud, and I enjoyed being loud.  I can't stop staring off into space and I can't stop crying.  But I have to, I have to raise our daughter.  Things are happening and I have no one to tell, the one person who could REALLY comfort me is not here anymore.  Only time will tell if I will be OK, but I plan on faking it until I make it for our daughter, his pride and joy...SHE will be OK and she WILL remember how awesome he is - not was.

Graham...I still Love You.