Faker...

Another steroid pack...that's what the doctor ordered.  And it seemed to be working for Graham.  He woke up Sunday morning ready to eat - and he did...Oatmeal, Roadhouse, candy...it was kind of good to see.  I would ask for reports, "How are you doing today?" and he'd tell me it was a good day.  I'd come home by 5 and he was spent - I just thought, well, his prime is noon - 5pm, sucks that I'm missing it, but at least he's good.  We've been counting down the days until summer - when I get to spend everyday with him.  Tuesday, he went to the Dermatologist and finally had his antennae removed (that sucker was the size of a red jelly bean!!!).  Came home and still said he had a good day, even getting the mail one day.  Photo came on Thursday and Friday but I didn't feel the need to hold my breath.  I knew he'd be tired, but believed he'd come out of it.  And again, he reported that he was doing good.

I have since learned that he is still tired, that he just can't muster the strength anymore.  Just saying answers that he thinks I want to hear, and that other's want to hear.  He gets the same type question 20 times a day, "How are you man?" "How is it going today?" "How you feelin?"  And he has found it easier to just say - good.  Then he doesn't have to talk anymore.  This PISSES me off...I'm not a friend, I'm not co-worker, I'm a wife...I'm the other half.  I'm the one who knows him best and he can be the "real Graham" around.  Tell other's the answer you think they want to hear, but tell me what is really going on in your mind.  I want to support him and his decision, but I need to know the truth. 

I don't think either of us are in a good place right now.  No place in Graham's life is going well, and there are not too many shiny places in mine.  Jordan - that's about it.  I only wish Graham could experience her fully right now, she really is a bright spot in my life.