Depression Sucks

I have seen the work of depression in so many great minds and personalities.  I witnessed my Momo suffer and most likely die of it.  I have always understood it and hated it and now I get to feel it too.  Not only personally, but within my family.  And it WILL control you.  I don't care how happy you are, how much you have going for you, what great things you may have coming up in your life...you will be taken over by a numb sadness that you can't explain...even at a birthday party with cake and a margarita machine!

I have learned a lot about it in the past year.  There are many types of depression but they can be put into 2 different categories - chemical imbalance in your brain (physical) or situational (emotional). The first and foremost can be numbed but not fixed, if and only if you find the right medication and your metabolism never changes.  But the 2nd is more challenging.  The 2nd happens when shit hits the fan and after you try and clean it the fan is still covered and more shit hits it...no one knows what to do...not your brain or your doctor.  This is what we are going though.  I am lucky of the unlucky 2 of us - most of mine is chemical, the drugs work most of the time.  Graham however, not lucky anymore.  Before all this - he never understood the sadness that would come over me when our life was perfect.  Neither could I - but it's how the cookie crumbled.  All he knew to do was hug me, and he has nice warm hugs.  Now he is in the same boat, but worse - he's in this "situational" depression and will never leave it because this "situation" will never end.  He is on 3 different anti-depressants, but low doses because they are for chemical imbalances, and still struggling.  We all know why he's depressed, it's not a mystery but it is not fixable.  On his high days, glimpses of the Real Graham shine through and you can better believe that you will be the butt of some stupid joke.  On his down days, his strong mind that is keeping him alive is no longer working right and he's not well, at all.  This past low, low, low day we had to go over his DNR requests because the Drs didn't think there was much more time.

Just witness it yourself...

He agreed to this pic because he "knew" it'd be his last (Monday, May 16, 2016)

Then a COMPLETE 180 - (Tuesday, May 17, 2016) he wanted Manicures for his lil' girl

And BAM - guess who got painted! With a smile on his face.

What I will be lobbying for on the steps in Austin keeps growing - let's just add Mental Health to the list.  On Monday, in a deep low, he ate nothing and could barely breathe, DNR confirmed by Drs.  Tuesday, on a mental high, he ate 5 meals and wanted his nails done.