Losing Strength

Emotionally, this has been a very difficult week.  Graham's meds have finally been fixed, but he is still struggling.  He's in pain, and not just physically - emotionally.  He can no longer eat, food disgusts him again.  He feels like he is suffering and he doesn't understand why.  What is the purpose of the suffering?  If we have this purpose on Earth before we go on to Everlasting Life, what is Graham's purpose?  Why is God allowing this tremendous amount of pain?

Our Pastor came to visit on Tuesday.  I believe Graham thought all these questions were going to be answered.  But they weren't.  Some clarity was given and some realistic goals were made.  But the struggle and fear is still real and still there.  What did happen was a bond with a man that we have looked up to and admired even when he didn't know of us.  We are so blessed to have such a cool Pastor who can relate to our lives.  Graham feels at ease with him and looks forward to his next visit.

Clarity: It's ok to say it sucks, because it does. It's OK to be afraid, who wouldn't be?  Live every moment and stop thinking about the end in mind.  Everything will be OK.  Take it all in.  Write to future Jordan so you are always with her.

This last one he struggles with, emotionally and physically.  His hands shake so much now, it's hard for him to write.  But it's so important that it's in his handwriting and no one else's, not even a computer's.  And he knows he will cry like a baby.  He hates that he will miss all these landmark events.

Thursday was the worst.  Graham has decided he can no longer fight, that he is too tired.  Which is OK.  No one, including Jordan or myself, will EVER think badly of him.  He has put one hell of a fight and it is not considered losing; he is such an inspiration to so many who are out there fighting some battle of their own.  I was sent home because I could not keep myself together - I've said before, I am the UGLIEST CRIER EVER!  And now, embarrassingly enough, I have witnesses to this swollen, red, snot infested, hyperventilating face.  Whoops!  But I don't care - these witnesses are some of the most important people and supports in my life.  And they made sure I could go be with literally, my other half.

I had to call Dr. Casanova, and the fear that we were headed to a Hospice Facility was real, but we had talked and cried together and we were ready for this news.  However, Casanova had one more idea...they had taken Graham off of Rimeron (the drug we secretly gave him back in the fall for depression and appetite) because of the Marinol (Marijuana).  He thinks that they did not give Rimeron enough credit, so why not try it again?  We added it back into his pile of meds at night, and we are to call Dr. Casanova back on Monday.

PRAYING THIS IS ANOTHER MIRACLE PILL!!!