Fading

Since coming home from the ER on March 7, Graham's health has taken yet another toll.  His cough is vicious, spells lasting 30-40 seconds, and the struggle to catch his breath afterwards is tough.  He has not slept in well over 5 nights and delirium is getting the best of his attitude.  By Tuesday, he was done.  He couldn't fight anymore and he asked me to forgive him.  He doesn't necessarily want to give up, but he does not believe his body can take anymore pain.  He's too weak and he hurts so bad, he's suffering and can't even enjoy the little life that he has anymore.  He hates the idea that he has let Jordy and I down (LIKE HE COULD EVER DO THAT!!!!!).

The fear that he is being called a "hypochondriac" keeps being apparent.  He called Clinic on Tuesday, and they asked for him to wait to come in on Wednesday - even though he was severely struggling.  Because his appointment was so early, I was able to sleep walk him to the car and he was good all the way through labs and X-rays.  Very odd coming in so early - EVERYONE is on time, EVEN DR. ROSENBLATT!!!  I will wake up at 5:45am every time so that we can get in and out in a timely manner.

Rosenblatt walked in the room and took over- casting the nurse aside.  His demeanor changed quickly once he saw Graham.  Graham's lung functions are about the same, but they have been on a slow decline since December.  He currently weighs 88lbs and his O2 sats drop into the 80s while standing.  He has lost so much muscle mass, that if you were to see him now, you would not recognize him.  Plus his side hair his growing so fast, I just might be giving him a comb over soon :)

What I told Rosenblatt:  This is not the man I fell in love with.  He no longer has the optimism and humor that make Graham, Graham.  He does not want to give up, but he can no longer take the pain.  He's irritable and can't stand much activity going on around him.  This is killing him because his daughter is a 7 year old ball of energy.  He fears that y'all believe he is a hypochondriac and he keeps being dismissed.  He can't sleep.  He can't get comfortable.  Is it time?

Rosenblatt's response:  I agree that Graham is no longer Graham.  I will never call him a hypochondriac, as long as I've known him (about 20 years) he has always had the best outlook on life.  I am saddened that it is fading. (And there was obvious tension on his face and tears being fought back - we are so lucky to have this man as G's doctor.  He loves him so.)

The plan: 1.  He has contacted UCLA.  This program is known for taking chances.  They are the first to try double lung transplants on the elderly.  Dr. Rosenblatt spoke with the Dr. Ardehali - a transplant surgeon and professor at the college.  Dr. Ardehali agreed that Graham sounded like a challenging case, but he is willing and wants to look at all his files.  FIRST UPLIFTING NEWS IN A LOOOOOOOOOONNNNNG TIME!  So Dr. R really IS still trying and hasn't given up!

2. Nutrition and pain management.  If Graham can't get his nutrition and strength up - NO ONE will transplant him.  So he has prescribed him Medical Marijuana to help him with comfort, anxiety, and hunger.  Now, this is Texas, so it is synthetic THC in a pill form.  Might as well let the pharmaceutical companies make money off throwing more chemicals down your throat instead of offering herbal and organic plants.  Go figure.  And start him on a powerful sleep aid at night.

3. When it's time, Rosenblatt will know.  He will be admitted into the Palliative Care Unit and be made comfortable.  Graham's wish is to not die at home. 

This was such a hard clinic visit.  It was all about comfort, not getting well. We are both numb...yet again.