Silent

Today marks 1 month that Graham is no longer with us.  Graham and I have spent many nights away from each other; but in the past 15 years, we have almost NEVER gone a day without speaking to each other.  After his passing, I kept Jordan and myself busy - camp for J, funeral planning for me and once that was over I quickly learned to KEEP keeping ourselves busy.  But now 4 weeks later, the pain is not only still here, it's worse.  It's no longer a "vacation" from each other like hunting trips, or work trips, or girl/guy outings, or family stuff...he's really still not here.  There is no one to talk to about the stuff only he would talk to me about; there's not a Daddy here for his little girl to joke around with or tell him all that she is proud of; and he is definitely not here to hold us or be quiet with us when we are sad which he did so well.

Every time I have to make a call to "declare him deceased" I cry...luckily EVERYONE has been very kind.  Of course, they can't see the snot and swollen eyelids.  With one exception - his stupid Health Savings Account refuses to give me any help.  ARE YOU FLIPPIN' KIDDING ME?!?!?!  I would just kiss the money goodbye, however I do have medical bills to pay and I am now accepting the challenge of these douche bags.

I have lost my brain...and this is the most embarrassing thing.  My ADHD post-it note fetish is off the charts and I still can't get anything right.  And to the outsiders, what is my excuse?  What is Jordan's excuse?  We are both too hard headed to explain why we cannot perform our best at the moment and why we are failing miserably at things that should be easy.   I found this picture on Graham's phone, I had no idea he had it.  Why it's so important is that this man hated clutter - even texts and pictures on his phone he would delete unless it was his "favorite" and "meant something HUGE" to him.

He was always a proud person and in the beginning he was self conscious of his scar.  But he grew to love it and own it.  He knew that he was a Bad Ass for surviving and had the scar to prove it.  

Jordan and I do not get a scar for an empty, broken heart.  There is no outside visual for people to see how hurt and broken we are.  People say it will get better, but I believe I will always be empty and broken.  I will eventually get use to this feeling and maybe that's what they mean when they say it'll get better.  Luckily, Jordan still has a life ahead of her and eventually a love of her life awaiting her that will fulfill this emptiness that Graham left.  

As we always said to each other: "I still love you..."